Friday, July 27, 2007

oh dear, tagged.

tagged by the lustrous mati. and brought out of my blog slumber.

Rules: 1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts. 2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves. 3. People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules. 4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and that they should read your blog.

#1. Lately I've been wondering if I can learn not to take people so literally. Or not to put so much trust in/weight on words. I think my love for words has gone too far perhaps. Not only do I love the way words look and sound, the letters that make up words, the histories, etymologies, translations. Not only do I escape into and find happiness in stories, sensuality, humanity in poetry, but I also believe the words people say. I know that supposedly people say more nonverbally than verbally, but I want to believe the words because they carry meanings. I guess gestures carry meaning too (perhaps a clearer, simpler meaning). I just know I am way too disappointed lately in how meanings (my own and others') seem to shift so quickly. I'm not sure which words to believe. The sentences all seem fleeting. Except for maybe ones like, "Everyone wants to love and be loved."

#2. {continuation of #1} It makes me appreciate the honesty of animals. But at the same time all that shifting of meanings, all those grey areas, complexity, all those illusions, delusions, fantasies, tales, subversions, inversions, secrets, disguises and especially the unravelling and attempt to understand, does make life interesting.

#3. Have you ever tried to make a list of all the crushes you've ever had? I will try (excepting recent ones or otherwise terribly incriminating ones).
* Tommy Miller (Off and on through gradeschool, starting at age 5. Pretty much everyone had a crush on Tommy at some point. He was that cute. Johnny Depp cute.)
* Scott Green (1st and 2nd grade. Mostly because my BFF Heather also liked him.)
* Heather (BFF. So it goes.)
* K & K (My cousins, brother and sister. They were older and cooler. Come on you have cousin crushes too.)
* That Hawaiian guy (Can't remember his name.)
* Molly W. (Prom queen and {obviously} popular girl who for some reason befriended {to some degree} me {a nerd} in freshman English. We played tic tac toe during class despite the fact that we sat right up front, before the high-panted, Shakespeare-obsessed Mr. Schiller.)
* Josh S. (Because he told me he voted for me for some contest. Clearly I was starved for flattery.)
* Chris (Had to distract myself during economics class. He sat in front of me.)
* Asa (During my year at Lund in Sweden. Mostly she made me laugh.)
* Mattias (Also in Lund. Requisite dangerous boy crush.)
* Mariana (Also in Lund. Mariana was in my first women's studies class and ran up behind me one day and pinched my side hello. This was a year I was low on close female friends and this pinch, in addition to her being lesbionic, nerdy and super cute, was enough to completely crush me out and render me mute in her presence and in class.)
* Woman with low voice in Intro to Fem at UCSC (Requisite dangerous girl crush.)
* Emily A. (Anthropologist student with amber-colored eyes. We were on the Porter dorm paint crew one summer. She was dating a boy AND a girl and was very sexy.)
* Ethan (Incited probably my boldest first move ever. {It's about time for new bold first moves.})
* Woman who rides the UCSF shuttle and brings her bike. (She seems down to earth, groovy and kinda punk. I like her hair and that she smiles at the shuttle drivers.)

My god this is only like half of them. Must stop here.

#4. At some point I forced myself to choose between making the US or Sweden my home because my longing for wherever I was not, was stifling. I sill miss Sweden intensely quite often. And lately I have this fear {#5. I worry about things I have little control over.} that global warming will change the weather/air/environment all over the earth to the point that Sweden will change so much. I mean everywhere changes anyway in so many ways, but I have this strong desire for Sweden to always remain how I remember it as a child. I want there to be two tv channels and a few radio stations (already long changed). Little advertising/signage. Not many cars. Tra skor. Kex Choklad. Fil. Saft. People all sitting with their faces to the sun in summer. Dancing and singing around the midummer pole. Blaklockor. I want the air to feel/smell the same. This list is a book, so I really shouldn't get started.

#6. Sometimes I wonder if I should try to appear more like people expect queer lasses to appear. Get multiple hoop earrings, wear a studded belt (not happening), use more hair product, buy a suburu stationwagon (not happening), wear my keen shoes more, wear baggier jeans. All unlikely. Sesame St. taught me I don't need to conform, but like I said, sometimes I wonder...

#7. I need to go to therapy. I know in some ways it will probably be really good, but sometimes it seems so stupid to me. Paying to talk to someone. Seems especially strange when people are at war and living in poverty. Or as Andie McDowell says in Sex, Lies, Videotape, when there's all that garbage piling up. (Actually I think she's just generally worrying about all the trash while at the therapist, but this one reminded me of that scene.)

#8. I like an assignment.

I tag: erica, karin, gwen, jenifer, abby, hayley, dandelion, kim.
I would tag camilla too, but she's more of a photo tjej. (You could do this all in photos though...)

Thursday, July 05, 2007

it's been hot

i'm not complaining. having grown up in so cal, i enjoy the heat.

been spending time in our backyard, which at first glance looks kind of sparse. it is mostly concrete. but once you get down in there and sit under our one tree, it seems almost lush. there is greenery all along the edges, about 3-4 feet worth along the fence, which encloses the yard on three sides. our downstairs neighbors care for the flowers and whatnot. we have a few rose bushes, some succulents, nasturtiums, assorted green leafy leaves and grasses, mint, the aforementioned tree, which produces an inedible mystery fruit, and these geraniums. (my mormor always had a lot of potted geraniums on her balcony and in her apartment. they make me think of her.) one of the three adjacent yards has some sort of fountain now. the trickling water adds to the lush feeling. all the flitting, buzzing, crawling of the birds and bees and ants and spiders factors in too. i can almost imagine i'm in some english country garden or a tropical place, until i hear the sirens, car alarms, yelling etc. in the distance, and neighbors on cell phones in the not so distant distance.

a couple of days ago sitting back there, i stared for at least five minutes at a perching (ie relatively still) hummingbird. i did not realize how tiny they are. they are really tiny!

been reading anais nin's diary. there are seven fat volumes of her diary and that's not nearly the whole thing apparently. it is not super sexual (at least not so far) as some might think (given some of her other writing). i've been surprised at how familiar many of her insecurities and musings are. it's comforting.

anyhow. here is (kind of a lot of) friday flickr goodness (a bit early).

in the grey/silver category:
this whole set and this photo
flowers and foliage
little bear

at diana's
at astrid's
at hanne's

dean street, brooklyn
more light

have a good weekend!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007