Sunday, August 13, 2006


so i start graphic design classes this week. my job ends aug. 31 and i don't have another lined up yet. i'm trying to be a fonzie about it all (a housemate phrase i love), but the fear is there below the surface, simmering. i'm trying to have faith everything will work out. and i do for the most part actually, for once, but i'm still starting to feel quite nervous. mostly about what kind of part time job i should look for. i don't want an office job. i want to bake or maybe work some place i enjoy, like the de young museum or the park or a cute store. does it matter that i'll only make minimum wage? (unfortunately in this city it does...) and also questioning if graphic design is what i really want to do. considering these questions andrea linked to.

i've been a bit unsure about writing about my fears here and letting them have that much space. but they already sort of paralyze me in that i have a hard time doing creative things because the job situation is on my mind. i'm trying to let myself feel afraid, but not let the fear take over and paralyze me.

i remember in college, before i came out, i thought, as soon as i face this big fear, i'll be fearless and strong and happy. didn't realize there'd be another fear right behind the coming out one to replace it. i do think we get stronger and happier, generally, with each fear we face, but fear itself doesn't leave. damn.

what i'm dealing with is actually sort of a positive fear too (i mean i'm lucky to have these sorts of things to be considering/worrying about), compared to what people in lebanon or iraq are facing for (an extreme) example. trying to keep perspective. trying to be a fonzie....

it's good to drink chilled samovar masala chai to keep one's cool. samovar is one of my favorite eateries in SF. the food is yummy, presented nicely and is reasonably priced, the atmosphere is groovy and the waitstaff friendly. what more could you ask for? oh, and they have outdoor seating.


lisa s said...

such a heartfelt post shash. i think you are in a very exciting time!! looking forward to talking to you about it face to face!

kylie said...

i had just finished posting on my blog and then i opened your new post.....scary. its funny that we can all have exactly the same fears. does this make them any less valid? i don't know but having read your post it makes me feel a sense of solidarity in both the fear and the future. maybe accepting where you are in the moment is part of the puzzle.

sending you big time wishes for the path you are about to undertake. it will happen for you because you want it enough.

simple me said...

Everything is going to work out just fine...please smile.

simple me said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
simple me said...

Sorry I removed the previous post...but I pressed the button twice and had the same comment 2x

kusink said...

Kära kusin! Efter att ha läst de där frågorna så tror jag med bestämdhet att du gör HELT RÄTT! Rädslan kommer vi inte ifrån, det gäller bara att inte låta den ta överhanden. Om man tillåter rädslan att vinna så krymper man till slut. Jag försöker också vara en "fonzie" just nu och det går halvbra, men jag har bestämt mig för att inte låta rädslan ta över.

stora kramar till dig

Tonya said...

Ok, I love the term being a fonzi.

- mental note: start using fonzi as a noun (and not in the proper kinda way).

dani said...

i have the distinct feeling everything is going to work out for you....

love that cafe - and that chai looks so good.

being a fonzie - hilarious. haven't thought about that character for years....eeehhhhhhhh!

Cristina said...

just give it some time and things will fall into place. san francisco can be a tough place to find your groove, but once you do - it can be a very nurturing place too.

friends and a little vegan thai iced tea from samovars might just do the trick!

-cristina (from 16th & sanchez)

bugheart said...

all the most
come with
risk, thus
i thinkk it's
you are
to something
sounds like
a very
exciting time!
you luck
to find
a fun,
dare i say

erica said...

hiya, shash. i hear ya about the big chnages and scary times, but you will come out on top. you ARE a fonzie.

i do wish you'd put the other shot up, as my boobs look way better in that one, ha ha ha!

kelly rae said...

so glad i just found your blog! i relate to much of what you are saying in this post..not wanting an office job..the fears behind other fears...comparing your worries to what is happening around the world. i just moved to the bay area. would love to connect sometime!

Di said...

You're not alone in facing fears- I always try to think about the broader context- where I'll be or what I'll be doing after whatever it is that I'm anxious about. And sharing and comparing my experiences with others..

tania said...

good good lcuk!
i go through fear phases. one day I can do anything and the next I am paralysed by thinking i left the stove on.
I am exited for you! graphic design seems so fun-