Sunday, August 13, 2006
so i start graphic design classes this week. my job ends aug. 31 and i don't have another lined up yet. i'm trying to be a fonzie about it all (a housemate phrase i love), but the fear is there below the surface, simmering. i'm trying to have faith everything will work out. and i do for the most part actually, for once, but i'm still starting to feel quite nervous. mostly about what kind of part time job i should look for. i don't want an office job. i want to bake or maybe work some place i enjoy, like the de young museum or the park or a cute store. does it matter that i'll only make minimum wage? (unfortunately in this city it does...) and also questioning if graphic design is what i really want to do. considering these questions andrea linked to.
i've been a bit unsure about writing about my fears here and letting them have that much space. but they already sort of paralyze me in that i have a hard time doing creative things because the job situation is on my mind. i'm trying to let myself feel afraid, but not let the fear take over and paralyze me.
i remember in college, before i came out, i thought, as soon as i face this big fear, i'll be fearless and strong and happy. didn't realize there'd be another fear right behind the coming out one to replace it. i do think we get stronger and happier, generally, with each fear we face, but fear itself doesn't leave. damn.
what i'm dealing with is actually sort of a positive fear too (i mean i'm lucky to have these sorts of things to be considering/worrying about), compared to what people in lebanon or iraq are facing for (an extreme) example. trying to keep perspective. trying to be a fonzie....
it's good to drink chilled samovar masala chai to keep one's cool. samovar is one of my favorite eateries in SF. the food is yummy, presented nicely and is reasonably priced, the atmosphere is groovy and the waitstaff friendly. what more could you ask for? oh, and they have outdoor seating.