nerd for life

the sneaky (and blurry) look

you know how sometimes you have that one vest or jacket or sweater or pair of jeans that just feels exactly right? and sometimes you get in a phase where you wear this perfect piece of clothing all the time and you feel so comfy and secure? and you don't care if people notice that you have been wearing the same thing day in and day out? i haven't had that piece of clothing in a while. lately i've been craving a button(ed?) down black shirt, that's slightly grey, and blue jeans worn in to just the right blue (an outfit a la james spader in sex, lies, videotape, one of my all time favorite movies). i want it to be comfy and, you know a little sexy, and i want to wear it all the time.

so i've been avoiding writing this on my blog, but the fact is, i'm disillusioned with school. as i mentioned recently, i've always loved school. having been out of school for 10 years and having been bored lately at my job, i was SO looking forward to brain stimulation and something new and exciting. however, the intro graphic design classes aren't that interesting. i'm definitely learning some things (and i like my teachers and the fellow students seem nice), but i'm wondering if maybe i need a different kind of brain stimulation, like women's studies theory or discussions about literature. i'm going to stick this semester out and hope that the one after it is something more and different. (i am excited to learn about fonts/type next semester.) it's hard for me to be patient right now because i'm in this mode of life is too short and i don't want to waste any time at all. this is a mode i've never been in before (at least not to this extent). i've been patient (frightened) for a really long time.

i became quite depressed the first week of school when i realized it wasn't what i had expected/craved. but i'm feeling better about it this week. also, during that first week of school, i watched one of the most depressing movies i've ever seen, lilya 4ever. it's very good, but SO bleak. it is about a russian girl who is forcibly prostituted in sweden. it really threw me. i felt like i fell into a hole, thinking about the cruelty of some people and how people can betray each other on the deepest level, treating others as nonhuman. and how women and girls get the brunt of this cruelty. this got me thinking about how women especially suffer so much rape/torture during war. and about the wars going on now. oh it was a sad movie. and it made the world look ugly to me. (pms didn't help that). i don't recommend the movie if you're susceptible to falling into the world is an ugly place holes. luckily i was able to get out of that way of thinking. but how hard it must be to do that when one actually lives these cruelties on a regular basis (like the character lilya and thousands of real life girls who this happens to all over the world and like people in war torn countries).

on a lighter note, another thing that's bugging me about myself being back in school, is that i had planned not to care about grades. i planned to just get what i needed out of the classes and to do projects that i wanted to do and not care so much about the rules of a project. but i guess i'm a nerd for life. it's so hard for me not to care about the grade! ug. i suppose maybe i should try to figure out how to do what i want while getting a good grade.

anyhow, sorry this post went from innocuous to very serious and back. but maybe spewing here will help me sleep at night. (can't seem to turn off the brain the past few days at night.)