Tuesday, August 29, 2006

nerd for life

the sneaky (and blurry) look

you know how sometimes you have that one vest or jacket or sweater or pair of jeans that just feels exactly right? and sometimes you get in a phase where you wear this perfect piece of clothing all the time and you feel so comfy and secure? and you don't care if people notice that you have been wearing the same thing day in and day out? i haven't had that piece of clothing in a while. lately i've been craving a button(ed?) down black shirt, that's slightly grey, and blue jeans worn in to just the right blue (an outfit a la james spader in sex, lies, videotape, one of my all time favorite movies). i want it to be comfy and, you know a little sexy, and i want to wear it all the time.

so i've been avoiding writing this on my blog, but the fact is, i'm disillusioned with school. as i mentioned recently, i've always loved school. having been out of school for 10 years and having been bored lately at my job, i was SO looking forward to brain stimulation and something new and exciting. however, the intro graphic design classes aren't that interesting. i'm definitely learning some things (and i like my teachers and the fellow students seem nice), but i'm wondering if maybe i need a different kind of brain stimulation, like women's studies theory or discussions about literature. i'm going to stick this semester out and hope that the one after it is something more and different. (i am excited to learn about fonts/type next semester.) it's hard for me to be patient right now because i'm in this mode of life is too short and i don't want to waste any time at all. this is a mode i've never been in before (at least not to this extent). i've been patient (frightened) for a really long time.

i became quite depressed the first week of school when i realized it wasn't what i had expected/craved. but i'm feeling better about it this week. also, during that first week of school, i watched one of the most depressing movies i've ever seen, lilya 4ever. it's very good, but SO bleak. it is about a russian girl who is forcibly prostituted in sweden. it really threw me. i felt like i fell into a hole, thinking about the cruelty of some people and how people can betray each other on the deepest level, treating others as nonhuman. and how women and girls get the brunt of this cruelty. this got me thinking about how women especially suffer so much rape/torture during war. and about the wars going on now. oh it was a sad movie. and it made the world look ugly to me. (pms didn't help that). i don't recommend the movie if you're susceptible to falling into the world is an ugly place holes. luckily i was able to get out of that way of thinking. but how hard it must be to do that when one actually lives these cruelties on a regular basis (like the character lilya and thousands of real life girls who this happens to all over the world and like people in war torn countries).

on a lighter note, another thing that's bugging me about myself being back in school, is that i had planned not to care about grades. i planned to just get what i needed out of the classes and to do projects that i wanted to do and not care so much about the rules of a project. but i guess i'm a nerd for life. it's so hard for me not to care about the grade! ug. i suppose maybe i should try to figure out how to do what i want while getting a good grade.

anyhow, sorry this post went from innocuous to very serious and back. but maybe spewing here will help me sleep at night. (can't seem to turn off the brain the past few days at night.)


lisa said...

ah, shash. i hear you. about it all. hang in there. i am glad you told us about how you are feeling. i wish i had some wisdom, but you are already wise.

Shannon said...

Starting something new is always hard, especially starting from scratch. Things will improve and become more interesting. They always do.

mati rose said...

ohhh, i feel like this is my own brain talking... the ups and downs all at once and sensitivity to movies. little miss sunshine is a pick me up, if you haven't already seen it. i imagine that the intro classes are too intro for you and that they will get better. i bet you would love CCA, but good to get your feet wet elsewhere before you pay the big bucks. not that i regret it, but... working the state school system seems wise for exploring. hang in there (imagine a little kitty on a branch).

bugheart said...

i think
this is
a wonderful
i took many years
off school
and felt
the same
way when i
classes at
the beginning
aren't as much
fun or brain-
there the
basics courses
before you
a bit...
i think
if you stick
it out
you'll find
get more
in a fun way...
take one
women's studies
or gender studies class
along with
the design?
that might
make you
a lot
for sharing!
your fellow

abby said...

story of my life and why i dropped out of the journalism program (and school in general)...worst decision ever and now I feel so old I am so scared to go back and start all over again.
i hope that you can find the will to stick with it and i hope you feel better.
Dirty pretty things made me feel that way for awhile-good movie-just hard to think about sometimes...
people like you remind me this is an alright world and give me hope-
hugs to you

kylie said...

so weird- i was standing in the shower this morning thinking about lilya4ever and started going down the same path of thinking myself. there is only so much you can take on in your own head but im very glad films like this are out there to uncover the attrocity that exists in this world.

and on a different note- time is many things but one thing it lends itself to is perspective.

Hayle\ said...

I am with you on the comfort outfit. I tend to find one outfit that works and wear it for 6 months straight. Not joking. Right now it is a blue track jacket, grey tank top and grey jeans with white slip ons. I feel weird if I am not wearing it and I wash this little outfit every week. Find what works and stick with it. :)

As for school, I am a career student with at least 3 different college IDs with me at all times. I think there is a certain romanticism/ fantasy of what school should be like [large mohagany tables & leather chairs, teachers in tweed, stimulating class discussions, students who care about their work, etc. Reality usually involves bad lighting, bitter teachers and students who just want to not be in school. The only exception so far was women's studies [which I got my BA in]. People cared, teachers cared and I worked hard, learned, & thought. It really depends on the teachers though, some can be soooo inspiring while others quite draining. My favourite professor's speciality was international relations and globalization and she published an article on rape used as a military tactic during war time and the laws of prosecution...

Think about your end goals and weigh in the means. Do you just want the training/ degree or do you want academic stimulation? The program I am in right now is about the degree, only. We don't even pretend it is about anything academic or stimulating. We just want those 3 little letters after our names. That seems to work because there is no pretense or expectations.


Hay\ said...

that above is by me. :)

Hayley said...

ok me. now.

Lina said...

Började med genusvetenskap nu i veckan. På Södertörn (www.sh.se) kan man läsa litteratur med genusinriktning, med Ebba Witt Brattström. Det borde du göra, det vill iallafall jag. Wow, liksom.

Hoppas studierna känns bättre. Och bättre och bättre och bättre. Ibland är det så, att man inte ser i början.

Frances said...

Okay - I'm spying... do you have any idea how corageous and brave I think you are to dive back into school in order to hopefully do something meaningful and enjoyable in the future? It's very scary, and it can have it's down side at times (ie. boring, frustrating, confusing, down-right difficult) like anything, but right now, just because you had the cojones to do it, you're basically my hero. Maybe at some point I'll be able to use you as a wonderful example and leap for myself...

shash said...

thanks all for your wonderful words of encouragement and wisdom. gwen, i think you're right about trying to incorporate some other classes. or i'm thinking i should just incorporate my interests in women's studies/gender studies/literature into some of the design projects (though i imagine this will have to wait until i get further along in the program).
thanks all so much!

alyssa said...

I saw "lilya 4ever" and I thought it was a very important film well done as far as bringing forth the subject of human trafficking, but it really threw me off, too. I wish I had never seen it. It still haunts me to this day. The Russian actress who plays the girl is so beautiful and heartbreaking. I think that people should see it, because it does portray a very depressing and real subject, but I don't know if I can recommend it to those "faint of heart," which I think I am.
Did you see his first film "Together," it is one of my favorites.

lisa s said...

you are too smart for the beginning classes.... what a pain....

but i think you are on the right track about some other things for fun - like womens studies - or literature - or??

anyway - once a nerd always a nerd? :)

you could always take a class pass not pass and then the grade is irrelevant?